Lord Likely's Guide to Etiquette
Part One: Dining

As a highly-respected member of the British aristocracy, I am often invited to attend a variety of social gatherings. I have dined with Dukes, eaten with Earls and even shared an ice-cream with the Prince of Wales. Therefore, I have garnered an unrivaled knowledge in how to conduct oneself in such situations, some of which I shall impart below.

1. If dining with a lady, pull out her chair for her, and ensure she is properly seated before seating yourself.

2. Always wait until the host invites you to begin eating before starting your meal.

3. Do try and remember that when using the vast array of cutlery presented before you, that you should always begin by using the knives and forks on the outside, then work your way in with each subsequent course.

4. Do NOT attempt to catapult food into the cleavage of the lady sat opposite.

5. Do not, under any circumstances, stir your soup with your genitals. Such a practice is frowned upon in high-society, and besides which you will only end up scalding your gentleman's organ.

6. When the main course arrives, it is considered rather discourteous to leap to your feet, point to the dish and yell, "What in the name of all that is sainted is THIS?! It looks like a pig has vomited upon my plate!" Unless, of course, you are actually eating pig's vomit.

7. Under no circumstances should you wipe your mouth on your host's coat, scarf or wife.

8. Do not over-indulge on wine or whisky, as this could lead you to doing something frightfully embarrassing like dancing upon the table stark-naked.

9. No matter what you do, you should try and avoid threatening any of your fellow guests with your butter knife.

10. When the time comes to propose a toast, do NOT suggest proposing a toast to the hostess' "ravishing bottom." This may offend, especially if you are dining with the Queen.

Bear these points in mind, and you should find your dining experience will be a pleasurable one.

Happy dining!

Lord Likely is an aristocratic adventurer and full-time gentle-man. His exploits are charted in his very own web-log, The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely.