Your first wave

Due to the large amount of sniggering that seemed to be following you around the beach you've reassessed your surf apparrel and are now sporting a shiny new wetsuit correctly place on your well toned physique. The next thing to do is prepare your 'stick'. This is a colloquial expression used for surfboards by people from California, Chelsea and anyone else wishing to sound extremely radical at inappropriate times.

First - take your sexwax (the de rigeur of all waxes for the new and shiny board) and rub vaguely at your board until your arm is tired. Remember - the less wax you have on the deck the more fun other people will have watching you fall off.

Attach your leash. Your leash is your lifeline - it ties you to your board which is big and floaty and is good to cling on to as you get dragged out to sea.

Warm up. There are several techniques available -
The great English warm up involving stubbing your cigarette out briskly and a couple of attempts to touch your toes.
The German formation warm up involving a large group of enthusiasts running in packs up and down the beach for hours on end and then doing synchronised stretching until everyone is too tired to surf.
The surf guru technique. This involves sitiing by the water's edge for some time in the lotus position becoming one with the ocean and nature and the universe.

So you're limber and composed. Now wade into the ocean - best done before receiving any instruction, advice or tips from anyone that might have surfed before. Base all your knowledge on watching pros ripping it up on world class waves. Pay no heed to any rips or currents or solid hazards such as rocks. It is especially important to disregard the safety of other people in the water at this point - you are a surfer and are now lord of the ocean.

Clamber gracefully onto your board just before an extremely large wave lands directly onto your head and gives you a solid drubbing - like an old pair of socks in a laundromat - then spits you onto the beach in a heaving lump.

Congratulations - you just caught your first wave.

This report was brought to you by Penfold

Next week - surf school...